Buckle in Feelers + Healers. This is a long and windy episode. It starts with the most recent experience of Hurricane Milton and goes back in time to an acute knee pain experience and the emotional stressors I was facing around that time which may have contributed to my flare. Having recovered from that experience, I wanted to talk through my mindset, emotional processing and mindbody approach that I took to reduce my pain and regain function. As always, with any new and acute pain, please speak to your doctor, and make sure that there's no injury or infection that needs medical care. My choices and decisions around my body are my own and not intended to be diagnostic for anyone else.
Buckle in Feelers + Healers. This is a long and windy episode. It starts with the most recent experience of Hurricane Milton and goes back in time to late August and an acute knee pain experience and the emotional stressors I was facing around that time which may have contributed to my flare. Having recovered from that experience, I wanted to talk through my mindset, emotional processing and mindbody approach that I took to reduce my pain and regain function.
As always, with any new and acute pain, please speak to your doctor, and make sure that there's no injury or infection that needs medical care. My choices and decisions around my body are my own and not intended to be diagnostic for anyone else.
Here's the link for Lesley's book - https://bookshop.org/p/books/two-whole-cakes-how-to-stop-dieting-and-learn-to-love-your-body-lesley-kinzel/10413288?ean=9781558617933
[00:00:00] Welcome to the curiosity cure podcast. I'm your host, Deb Malkin, master certified life coach, body worker, hypnotist trained in pain reprocessing by the pain psychology center, queer elder fat human on planet earth here to help you evoke the power of simple neuroplasticity techniques rooted in shame free curiosity.
[00:00:29] So you can feel more better. more of the time in the body you have today and build the rich, full life that you want to live. A quick disclaimer, this podcast is not a replacement for medical care. I am here to provide insights and techniques that can compliment your healthcare journey, but always consult with your healthcare provider for personalized advice.
[00:00:56] Hello, my feelers and healers. It's so nice to talk to you. This is Deb from the Curiosity Cure podcast. Today I'm going to take you through the last few weeks and also the story that I keep promising to tell you that I keep hesitating to tell you, but I'm going to tell you anyway, because I think that it might help you understand mind, body healing, like when we have pain flares and what we can do about it. And also why healing is not a linear experience. So if those are helpful and interesting to you, then I suggest that you stay tuned and continue to listen to today's podcast.
[00:01:45] First I'm gonna, I'm gonna work backwards.
[00:01:47] I just got through Hurricane Milton. I'm here in Florida with my father, whose name is Milton, hilarious. So you want to know something about, the mind and body and how they're connected together. Listen to the news, say your father's name over and over and over and over again. And notice how many times your attention goes to where that name is being called and often will happen with your own name, but it was so fascinating to watch my brain get distracted, but also have this kind of catch of emotion inside my chest when I would hear them say his name, because.
[00:02:26] You know, I call him dad. I don't call him Milton. Like how many times do I hear his name being called? Except in this span of a week, it was a lot and it was scary stuff. I'm very grateful that I was here because I think had I not been here then I both would've had fear and a sense of a loss of control.
[00:02:48] I made sure we had lights and electricity. Right? So I bought some power backups and, you know, and it all had to be done kind of fast. It's really interesting to watch my motivation. Like I got up one morning before dawn, so I could get to Walmart and Home Depot right when they opened, because I knew that other people would also be having the same impulse to go and get things that help them feel secure and safe in this unsafe and unknowable experience and we all have just lived through Hurricane Helene, which was the absolute most horrific results that nobody could have predicted like no body ever expected what happened in Asheville, North Carolina and other places in West North Carolina would have happened.
[00:03:41] So when we think about inputs of fear coming into the body, mind, and motivating us to take action, that was all in there driving me to, you know, take this storm very seriously. And I take taking care of my 98 year old father, seriously. I was like, all right, here's what I know. We need to be able to survive without some electricity, just in case it goes off for a few days. He doesn't have any medical needs that require electricity. So that's really useful. And some people's lives depend on electricity and they need to take that into consideration when they're thinking about a catastrophic nature event
[00:04:24] I was like, I really want to get what we need and get home and feel safe so that I can conclude the experience of getting prepared. Because once I got prepared, then I could tell my brain, we're as prepared as we're going to be. And now what you really need to do is just relax, literally the quiet before the storm.
[00:04:51] I had a choice. Am I going to fill this time with fear, worry, rumination, and the physical sensations and symptoms that go along with that? And for me, that was a lot of head tightness, neck tightness, shoulder tension and pain and a kind of a tight feeling in my chest. And because I knew that like, hey, I'm paying attention and feeling threatened by something unknowable that is outside of my control no wonder I'm feeling this way. And, and so I was at peace with it, but at the same time, any opportunity I had to let it go, to be in the moment, to distract myself, to be in this present moment, which was a time period of not storm and not danger and not disaster. Once I. relaxed into feeling like, okay, I have everything I need and we're going to do the best we can. Then I was able to let go of that. And I watched my symptoms decrease and go away. And, you know, there's still this holding breath that I noticed that I had, which I was like, Oh, maybe this breath won't actually release until it's all over. And I'm okay with that.
[00:06:13] I also offered it lots of invitations to, to relax. I did some physical activity and I did some just laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. I did some self hypnosis. Also on the very last day, I was like, if it's not raining, and not storming yet. What I'm going to do is, Get an emotional support pizza. I'd been thinking about pizza for days and I was like, I think that this calls for an emotional support pizza. And also, my friend Whitney, suggested a stuffed animal to me that was weighted. And so I went to target, I actually went to two targets to find it.
[00:06:52] I was kind of amused by my quest. Because obviously it's not that important, but it wasn't raining. It wasn't dangerous to be out in the road. It wasn't really anything other than a lovely distraction. Sometimes just walking around a giant super target and just looking at all the things, is interesting enough. Sometimes it makes me go, Oh, my God, this is part of the problem our massive consumption when I also can hold that loosely with like, oh, my God, look at all these cute stuffed animals, then I get that mixed experience, but I found this very cute Pegasus that I've named Peggy because, of course, you've met Lionel, my lion.
[00:07:37] Who I named Lionel. So I was like, why be more than basic? So my Pegasus is named Peggy and she's delightful. So she came home with me and, um, she's just a nice little support. Like literally the, the feeling of her, which is like the very soft texture of her faux fur and the weightedness gave me this feeling of settling.
[00:08:03] of rootedness, of having something pleasant to touch. And she's got, again, kind of just like Lionel, this cute little smile. And so I could just look at her cute little smile face and feel my body, take that smile inside and relax. And so I was feeling really good. I was kind of psyched to not listen to the news.
[00:08:29] And then all of a sudden, There are tornadoes so long before the hurricane actually hit land and I knew it was coming on the West coast, and I'm on the East coast of Florida, and as they kept showing the models, we were further and further and further out of the hurricane zone.
[00:08:49] So, I was feeling like, okay, we're going to get some weather, but we're not in the brunt of it. And then. Tornadoes started happening all over the place, in random places, and close to us, and that was like Oh, this was not on my bingo card of this storm were these random tornadoes, and I learned something about tornadoes is that they can tell you where they are, and where they've touched down, which is very helpful so being actually attached to the news became something that felt important because they can tell you, hey, there's a tornado in your area and this is how much time you have to get to safety. Nothing scary about that. I did manage to get into a place where I had a light attention on the news and they were very good at saying, like, hey, we have a new tornado sighting.
[00:09:47] They had very good graphics that showed you the area. They were really good in terms of telling you what time. I also then got to relax from that. Because somebody is looking out for these tornadoes and they will tell me if I need to take any kind of action. So I decided I'm going to have one part of my attention on the news, paying attention to tornadoes.
[00:10:14] And then I just decided I was going to do some other stuff on my computer. And um, you know, I was chatting with friends and, and making jokes and, you know, trying to keep it light. I played some cards with my dad and then eventually the tornado watch went away. That was a number of hours. And there was also this sense of
[00:10:36] all I can do is do my best. I cannot actually control the weather and I cannot have 100 percent control of any outcomes. Again, reminding myself of the very best that I have done. And one thing that I really love and appreciate about myself is that I used to fall into that kind of, you know, fight, flight and freeze.
[00:11:05] I used to fall into a freeze mode where I would feel stuck and confused about what action to take, and that would cause me to kind of spin around and keep it all inside. And now what I really notice is like when I feel like this is some action I need to take, I'm pretty able to just get up and go and do.
[00:11:28] And that feels really powerful to recognize that in myself, and also that I'm really capable now of being able to witness my ruminating brain, my fear processing brain, the part of me that's wants to worry. And I'm really able to have that kind of inner conversation that feels very, very helpful and healing so that I am not on high alert all the time.
[00:11:55] One of the parts about having nervous system flexibility is that we can go into That heightened state of awareness that drives the fuel, right? So if we think about this as when you go into fight or flight, you get extra energy, right? So I'm using that energy to help me take action.
[00:12:19] And that when that action is done, I am now helping my body and my mind shift into that rest and digest kind of place. It's both activation and then relaxation, activation, relaxation, activation, relaxation, all very normal and natural parts of our human experience. So really looking at the value of activation, but then using that energy for taking action, not just being overwhelmed by it or shutting myself down. There were certainly dissociating and staring at my phone it wasn't like I was super duper productive and focused at every moment. And I actually really think that dissociating is such a valuable experience when we are doing it for ourselves for our highest benefit.
[00:13:17] I just read something where they said dissociating is like rebooting your brain into safe mode. I was like, yeah, there's some moments where we need to reboot our brain into safe mode. So becoming aware and noticing what's happening in our mind and body. So having this kind of external witness to what is happening and then saying, Hey, I notice I'm really dissociating and without shaming ourselves, right?
[00:13:45] Being like, what do I need right now? Oh, I need a little break. I need a break from thinking about this. You know, and then being the active decider, what goes into that break? Maybe it's taking a little walk. Maybe it's putting on a song. Maybe it is connecting with a friend. Maybe it's having a good cry.
[00:14:05] There's so many options. And it's not because dissociation is bad, but dissociation is like a cue to notice that there's something that needs attending to, and that often is the part of you that is afraid. So, once the tornado watch was done, I just decided, you know, the very best thing to do is to go to sleep because whatever happens with this storm is going to happen.
[00:14:33] We got the hurricane shutters down and I was like, it's going to rain. There's going to be wind. And seeing the trajectory, I was like, I'm pretty sure that's all we're going to get and that's pretty normal for here. So I'm going to go to sleep and then I'm going to wake up and we'll see what there is to see when I wake up.
[00:14:53] So when I woke up the next day, it was a beautiful sunny day with blue skies and very calm wind. And it felt so good to be on the other side of that. And also knowing that other people even nearby had, all kinds of different experiences damage that they may or may not recover from some people lost their lives and all of those things are incredibly tragic and are a part of a reality that is undeniable.
[00:15:23] What's interesting is having this mind body approach really allowed me to attend to myself in the very best way that I knew how, which was being a very loving and caring self witness. And not shaming myself for being afraid, or not doing enough, really recognizing when I wanted to control the uncontrollable, and sometimes laughing about that.
[00:15:52] I just finished watching Kaos, which was about Greek gods, and I was like, yeah, had I been a Greek god, maybe I could do something about the weather. But, in fact, I am not a god. I am just a person. And I don't control the weather. So there. So I hope that you all had some kind of ability to self witness and are continuing to through all of the things that are going on, both in your immediate world, in the larger global world, and just giving yourself a lot of love and care and compassion for whatever your responses are, because these things are scary. And they do pierce through the illusion that we have 100 percent control over what happens to us and how we feel.
[00:16:44] All right then the next part of the story is Deb's knee pain recurrence on my left knee Which was previously the bad knee, then it was the good knee, and then it became the bad knee again.
[00:17:02] And in a lot of ways, I'm so grateful that I only have two knees. Because, It's just a lot easier to keep track of. And really, it just ends up being kind of hilarious that one knee gets labeled as the good knee and one knee gets labeled as the bad knee, but then sometimes they switch positions. So I kind of want to claim that no knees, none of my knees are bad or good.
[00:17:27] They're just knees. They're just joints, they're parts of my body that keep me moving. So I will tell you in the beginning of this story that my knee feels fine, that my knee is feeling strong again and not in pain.
[00:17:42] And so I'll just start there and going backwards, I had this experience of feeling very overwhelmed and fearful about a podcast recording that I had done with a colleague who I really respect and, we had some, not even like a difference of opinion, but I had things to add that sounded like maybe they contradicted their lived experience or their understanding of their lived experience.
[00:18:11] And I wanted to, because I was putting that interview on this podcast about neuroplastic pain that I wanted to offer a zoomed out understanding, of what is possible for people to heal. Because never want any diagnosis to be a limiting factor for people. And now what I'm not saying is this person should be feeling differently, should be thinking of themselves differently or should be acting any differently than they are. I really respect them but I was like, Hey, there's something missing for me in what I need to say on this podcast.
[00:18:50] And now it sounds so logical, and of course, and duh, but my nervous system was like, this person is going to legit hate you. They're going to think that you are the worst person ever. And they're not going to want you to air the interview that you did with them.
[00:19:09] And they're going to say all kinds of terrible things about you, which. I understood logically was probably not what was going to happen. And even before deciding to add the part that I wanted to add, I had to decide like, you know what, if they're not okay with that, like I won't air the interview and that's fine, but I can't air the interview on my podcast without this part because it would not serve my audience and the messages that I have and the understanding that I have and the learning that I have and the science that I have. And I don't just do interviews just to do interviews. I do interviews to help people understand what is possible for them. And so if it's not serving that purpose, then that's okay.
[00:20:01] And, I wanted to let them have agency and decide, because of course I also believe in informed consent. So I sat for a while, but of course that fear was just in there pounding, like my heart was just pounding. My hands were jittery. Even now I kind of want to cry.
[00:20:30] None of this response that's happening right now has anything to do with my friend who I interviewed. None of this is coming from them at all. It is all coming, like, from the inside of me. There is some kind of, terror threat button that gets pushed that I don't really feel like I have control over. Like right now I am struggling to, breathe and I'm struggling to speak and my throat is closing and normally if I wasn't recording this podcast, like I would just take a break and Let those feelings wash over me and self soothe and just let them go. And I'm trying to kind of stick with it for this podcast and we'll see. If when I actually come back to it, like, I want to keep it because I have no idea what this is going to sound like. And I do not mean to make anybody upset, like, I'm actually fine. I'm just having a feeling. So I will say that again.
[00:21:41] I am totally fine. And I'm having a big emotional reaction to the thought of somebody. being upset with me.
[00:21:57] That was actually really interesting. As soon as I was able to get those words out and say it, my body really relaxed. My throat is now not tight. My body feels much looser. That big breath that came in just helped everything settle and feel calm. I feel really grounded and rooted in this sense of safety, and I truly understand that I have, even if someone is upset with me.
[00:22:31] Learning to have skills of communication and self emotional management and taking care of this wounded part of me, which again has nothing to do with this other person at all, but really just recognizing that response that comes in so quickly without even my conscious awareness. It's something that, you know, maybe I will continue to grow out of, but right now what I have is the awareness that what I need and what that part of me needs is to be met with love and care and comfort and safety.
[00:23:15] And so, when all that was happening. I definitely was feeling very upset, very worried. And I knew it wasn't quite rational, but that this stuff is not rational. Whether they're attachment wounds or fear of reprisal, like a threat and danger response is, is your nervous systems response to a perceived threat or danger.
[00:23:42] It is not logical. Logic in our conscious mind can be really helpful to be able to distinguish. Hey, is there a threat? What is going on? But when we're having a high arousal emotion, we also need to meet that part, which is believing or perceiving that there is a threat or danger.
[00:24:03] No matter how much logic, it's we apply, we still need to tend and befriend and love and have self compassion for that part of us who is like experiencing terror, experiencing extreme fear, experiencing a strong emotion. And in that moment, it kind of doesn't matter why. But then being able to build my own confidence in my ability to one process and emotion, witness it, watch it move through me right? That 90 second rule of an emotion really just recognizing when we get out of the way, our body knows how to process an emotion and that tight throat and that choking feeling is not biological. It's emotional. I mean, it's biological and like, that's what I felt, but it's not because there's something wrong with my throat.
[00:24:59] It's because my nervous system is constricting those muscles in fear and worry and overwhelm and also trying not to cry. You know how you feel when you try not to cry, when you try not to have an emotion. You get a different kind of pain. That goes along with it. So, going back, that was stressful, it was upsetting, I also knew it was a growth edge for me, so while I was upset, I also knew that I, I was like, you know what, you have this really great opportunity to rewire that fear response, lean into the fear and worry.
[00:25:39] You know, reinforce your sense of safety and also take action. So deciding what I wanted to do about the podcast and not letting myself believe that I was stuck, that there wasn't anything I could do and that, you know, there was going to be some detrimental effect no matter what decision I made. And I went ahead and I kind of recorded the second part and I shared it with my friend and, you know, my, Had a conversation and they wrote back an affirmative, like, that sounds great.
[00:26:12] And, you know, and then I aired it, which was fantastic. And my body still needed to process that giant stress and fear. Like even when it was done, my body was still having the after effects and. Actually, to bring it back to the storm, when we live through something that's very, very stressful, when it's over, is oftentimes when our body is.
[00:26:36] kind of falls apart. So we might have an increase in symptoms when we moved through a very stressful experience because when we're on the other side and we are safe, then we are actually safe to feel the things that we couldn't let ourselves feel. We're actually safe to fall apart. We're actually safe to let those emotions continue to move through us and be processed.
[00:27:02] And sometimes You know, when we're using our logic mind, we're like, but the danger is over. Why am I experiencing this now that when you think about it from inside of you, from your nervous systems point of view, it's when we are safe that we're able to feel it is when we're in danger that processing all the feelings is not always really useful, right? Like our, our body's resources are being focused for our survival. So when our survival is actually assured. When we're like, Hey, I survived that, then everything else is like, Oh my God, you know, that breath that you're holding can let go. And that tension that you were having that was like holding everything together can also loosen and let go.
[00:27:54] And in that letting go feeling, you might feel things that feel like an increase in symptoms. And that's normal. And so being able to hold yourself with the understanding and belief of what's happening inside of you is your body experiencing safety, safety to feel. Then you get to lower that threat, lower the fear response and go into self soothing and tending and caretaking and also giving yourself some realistic expectations like Maybe after you move through something stressful or highly emotional, like you're not just going to be able to push through or like get on to the next thing.
[00:28:38] You might need a moment to metabolize everything. And so maybe that means you'll be sleepier, or maybe your body will be craving something from you, a certain kind of care and attention. So, you might be thirstier, hungry, you might need more rest. The key is always to lean in with curiosity.
[00:29:01] And not jumping to some conclusion that you should just be able to be at 100 percent fully functional the moment that a stressful event is over.
[00:29:11] So I was still kind of processing that fear response that I had. So, you know, I was like, what would be nice for my body? I tried to go to the pool. I, I ended up going in the pool, but I wanted to go to the pool the day before and I could not get my lock to unlock and I knew the numbers and I tried every combination, but apparently I tried every combination except for the 1 combination that actually worked and I had it on my phone, but I didn't bring my phone to the pool with me and I just, you know, I was like, well, I'm, I don't feel comfortable not having a lock on my belongings.
[00:29:49] Because I had to have my car key and you can't Bring certain things out into the pool area because it's a big community pool and I, I just decided, okay, well, I'm not going to do that now. And then I went back the next day and I figured out my lock combination and I was swimming and I was really enjoying myself.
[00:30:09] And then I ran into somebody that I knew, that I haven't seen for years, who was somebody who was close to me. When I had torn my meniscus on that left knee and really is a person that reminds me of that time in my life and that time in my life really being, um, like when I was experiencing pain was probably, I don't know, COVID was really stressful too, but at that time was the most stressful experience of my life.
[00:30:43] It was the most stressful time in my life. My mother was sick with cancer. I also had torn my meniscus. My business was very stressful. I had a relationship that was ending. I decided to close my business. My mother was dying and I decided to move. Uh, so there was just all the things that were really stressful all happening at the same time in my life. And I had had surgery and it still took me like two years to recover from chronic pain because I did not understand neuroplastic pain back then. I didn't understand that all of these unprocessed emotions and all of the fear and all of my pain behaviors, which were not moving, icing constantly. And being afraid of any sensation, that was the thing that kept me in that pain loop and cycle. My actions were very much like a push through kind of thing. You know, I certainly did not understand the mind body connection and I didn't understand repressed emotions.
[00:31:51] And I just was really into changing my circumstances to change how I felt. That was the big motivating factor for me. I also did not have the support that I needed around my mother's. illness and passing. So it was a really stressful and very hard time. So I see this person who is lovely human and they remind me of that time in my life and I had also had this intense experience, of feeling fear of rejection. These things have some similarities. Cause it was a kind of a thing that was going on also at that time in my life. And so I was. I had just seen her and another friend and we just got to catch up and that was super fun. And then I was just swimming around a little bit more in the pool.
[00:32:50] And and when I mean by swimming, I was like, Basically floating and just gently kicking my legs. So not even what anybody would call swimming. And all of a sudden I felt this weird experience in my knee. And extreme pain. And all of a sudden I thought. Oh, it's my meniscus, even though I had had a meniscus repair surgery now 14 years ago at this point. And I was like, that doesn't make any sense cause I didn't do anything. In that moment, I was like, okay, what I need to do is get out of the pool, get home and we'll see what happens. We'll figure it out. And, that was a very painful experience.
[00:33:37] Getting out of the pool. Walking to my car, getting home. It was the kind of pain that took my breath away. And it was very intense and very scary. I just didn't understand what had happened, but I understood enough that, freaking out and being in a fear response that It wasn't going to help me feel any better or shift, my sensations or perception of danger.
[00:34:08] And my brain kept going back to what, what happened? There's a concept in pain reprocessing, which is that our body gives us the experience. that our brain is expecting, right? Maybe seeing this person told my knee hey, that's so similar to that time when you were feeling pain like this. And here you go. This is your brain's prediction of what's supposed to be happening right now. You're supposed to be in this kind of pain. And I was like, well, that's as logical a response as anything else, because I could not figure out what had happened.
[00:34:47] So I get home, and I'm in a lot of distress, and I decide the most important thing is to soothe myself and calm myself down and try to figure out what are the next steps? What is it that I need and that would be helpful? I got in touch with my health insurance company because I live in two different states and have insurance in one state and it doesn't really work in the other state.
[00:35:13] I was like, well, this is the downside to this insurance, which mostly works most of the time for most of my needs. And then these are the times when it doesn't. So I tried to figure out if I needed an MRI or if I needed some care, what would I do? I also reached out to a medical friend of mine, and she suggested actually just looking up things on this orthopedist website on doing a self-assessment.
[00:35:44] And she was like, you have all of the knowledge. And I was like, I do, I have plenty of knowledge to be able to do a good enough self assessment. And then I had to just have a big old pity party and feel really sad and upset and I cried and I was angry and I had all the feelings and I was mad that it was going to ruin all my plans. I was worried that it was going to affect my walking at the PPD a conference and like just everything I went right into the future and started worrying about all the things that were going to be messed up because of this pain. And then I was mad that I went to the pool and I shouldn't have gone to the pool and yesterday I didn't go to the pool and my brain was offering me the whole full accounting of how I did this to myself, what I should have done differently, and how basically screwed I was. And I could just recognize like all of those things were really normal. They were really normal to feel. They were not the most fun, but I just needed to experience this fear that I had over what was happening because it really hurt. And I was very scared. And I knew that repressing that wasn't going to help me.
[00:36:58] I, rested for a while. I also had theater tickets to go see Oh Mary, which is a very popular show and it was like the only time That we could go and it was a date and I really wanted to go and I had to cancel another thing. I was like, oh no, I'm gonna have to cancel this and I just said, you know what? Let's just wait and see.
[00:37:24] And by the end of the day, I was feeling a little bit better. Can't remember at some point it felt like that joint, like it felt like my knee had dislocated slightly. And this is important because in the podcast that I was talking about being worried about the person that I interviewed talked about Subluxations. So we were talking about EDS and people talk about lipidema as being a form of EDS. And there's a lots of conversations about EDS. There's a conversations about EDS in the mind, body healing community. There's conversations about EDS in lipidema community and disability community.
[00:38:03] I've seen people. recover from pain from EDS, that even though they still might have hypermobility, it is complex. There is no one right answer, and I am not going to claim that I know the right thing, except I really love to be right, and I really love to know. And it's really hard for me to accept this idea that maybe My joint dislocated, basically doing nothing, which feels really scary.
[00:38:36] I was like, I wasn't really doing anything. And my knee joint went out of position. My patella went out of position. And then I had this extremely painful experience. And now the pain is, a motivator, right? Like the pain is meant to get you to stop moving before there's future damage, right? So the pain is part of our threat detection system.
[00:39:01] It's part of the alarm bells that go off. I mentioned this before, we put our hand on the hot stove. We feel pain, which motivates us to get our hand off the stove. even just knowing that really helped me say Whatever the reason is my body is telling me, whatever you're doing right now, just stop, just stop doing it.
[00:39:24] I found ways to walk and to move that felt better. I stopped trying to make it feel better. That was a really powerful thing. Cause that's a big tendency of mine to try to make something feel better. And I decided that strategy was not helping me that I was just going to trust that when the alarm.
[00:39:45] Did not need to be there that it would turn off and that my only job was to find safety and peace and a sense of loving connection with that part of my body and with all of me really the fearful part the determined part the fix it part all the parts that were like Yeah, this shouldn't be happening to me because I know all this stuff about pain part. And just really be in the truth of like, yes, this is happening.
[00:40:15] I am going to radically accept this in this moment, and I'm also going to feel as much of a sense of safety as possible. That really helped me let go of being afraid of the future, projecting all the way through my trip and through the fall and all the things that I was afraid was going to happen.
[00:40:34] And I reminded myself about my right knee. And when I had that injury or that experience in April that, you know, that feels fully recovered now, and had been and took maybe a month, maybe two months. I can't even remember at this point. I know I have a podcast called knee pain, what knee pain. I recovered from that. And that was a very intense experience. And so I was like, well, chances are the same thing will happen on this side. And it's so interesting as I'm recording this podcast, I can feel my left knee like tensing. It's almost saying, are you talking about me? Don't, don't say mean things it's okay, knee.
[00:41:16] I love you. I love you, body. And I love you, knee. I am talking about you, but I'm talking about our journey together, our journey through this experience. And I'm hoping that this story, that this journey together will help other people. And so at some point I felt like the knee joint went back into place and I felt a big reduction of pain.
[00:41:40] And so I also just decided, you know what, I'm going to the theater. I'm just going to go. I'm That's what's going to happen, because what I noticed was when I was sitting, like the times that I hurt the most were when I was walking, going up or down on the toilet, when I was flexing or extending my knee, but when I was just sitting, I actually didn't feel anything.
[00:42:02] And I was like, well, at the theater, you know, you're mostly just sitting and watching a play. And when I left to go to the theater, it was like, you know, what will be helpful having a cane having another point of contact with the ground. That's going to help me because, my seats are in the balcony. And I don't know if you've ever met me. You'll just see how determined I am, especially by theater. I'm very highly motivated to, to go to a play. So I got a cane and I also know how to walk at a pace that feels good for me. And I don't care if people see me with a cane and I don't care if I walk slowly.
[00:42:41] And I just decided that this was going to be really okay. Whatever happens, I'm going to be okay. No matter how long it takes me to get up or down the stairs, I'm going to be okay.
[00:42:55] I was able to go up and down the stairs. I actually had to go up and down some extra stairs because I like went to the wrong place. It wasn't the most fun, but I also just had a really lighthearted approach about it. And I got to enjoy this play that I really liked and had my lovely date and it was a nice turning point where I was like, right, already things are changing. Already you are feeling better and already you know how to meet yourself.
[00:43:24] And I think it was that morning also I realized that no, I cannot actually access any hands on medical care without spending a ridiculous amount of money for it. So that also just really helped me just go, okay, well, at least I know that, so I'm just going to relax about it. And I did the self assessment, on the orthopedic website and they were kind of like, you know what, you're in this acute phase and assessing anything right now is not even going to tell you anything particularly useful because obviously I not had a traumatic injury like there was no bone sticking out no nothing happening. They're like, you just need to wait. You should wait this amount of time before doing any imaging and, of course, I know about the imaging studies.
[00:44:13] Let's say oftentimes imaging prolongs the period of pain recovery. So, in the back pain study, they had said people who had done imaging on their back took them longer to heal than people who had no imaging. I know all of that. And I was like, great. If I don't have to get an MRI, I'm not going to get one. Awesome you're telling me to wait. I will wait. So all of those things going in together into this amazing brain body nervous system mix. And I just kept saying, the most important thing is to feel safe, to feel relaxed. And I know my triggers, one of them is feeling like nobody can help me.
[00:44:56] So I reached out to people for help and also having a sense of self trust. And over time, everything started to feel better. That extreme pain went away. I used the cane on and off for a long time. I did not bring it on this trip because after my last trip I'd noticed I didn't really need it very much.
[00:45:16] Also I was like, if I need a cane, I can just get another one. And doing all of my mind body work to help me feel a sense of safety and power and agency in my walk. But the pain went away, took about a week for the pain to really abate. That was in the end of August. And so now it's the middle of October and I feel healed and I don't feel nervous or worried about whatever my knee is doing. I feel like my knee is being a knee. We went to the gym today. I'm walking, I'm back in the pool. I was nervous the first time I went into the pool. And I just kept telling myself that I'm safe I kept paying attention to and imagining my limb working well. I was imagining my knees working as designed, like my knees working well, my body feeling supported and relaxed, and that everything would be just fine.
[00:46:14] That's a really remarkably different experience than when I tore my meniscus. 14 years ago. I did physical therapy for a long time and it didn't feel better. And then I chose to have arthroscopic surgery and it still didn't feel better. Like it didn't feel healed for about two years, no matter that the surgery itself, you know, healed a long time before that.
[00:46:42] And so I feel like being pain free in a week, even though it was very intense and excruciating pain. I'm not downplaying that. That was awful. I would like to not go through that again. That sounds amazing. But going through that experience for a week and knowing how to support myself through a pain flare, and through that cycle, I actually feel even more self connected and I feel like I have really met that part of me that feels so afraid and I feel like we have a stronger relationship now. I am able to meet that part of me with so much love and care. Part of me that is just absolutely terrified of being alone, of being rejected, I think that healing work is what is continuing and just recognizing that my body is here as the barometer and letting me know what it is that I need.
[00:47:44] It was interesting at the PPDA Conference, the Psychophysiological Disorders Conference, and they are going to be changing their name to Association for Treatment of Neuroplastic Symptoms. So it is the ATNS. I think that that's much clearer than psychophysiological disorders, it's the association for treatment of neuroplastic symptoms. Georgie Oldfield, who is a physical therapist or physiatrist created this program based off of the work of Dr Sarno. SIRPA stands for Stress Illness Recovery Practitioners Association. Georgie did a presentation on EDS and hypermobility and pain. One of the things that she talked about in her presentation was that she was doing a bootcamp and she also had an intense joint subluxation.and Incredible pain in a workout. And she was telling us that by the end of the experience, like she got off of the field where they were doing the bootcamp and that she tended to herself and then noticed that the joint went back into place. Georgie was telling an experience basically about her own subluxation, that happened one time and she does not think of herself as a person who is hypermobile or has EDS, but has a lot of stories about people who have recovered from pain, even while having EDS or while being hypermobile.
[00:49:19] So it was a really good presentation about how we can separate pain from these chronic conditions whether or not people are being diagnosed as having EDS. It was just like a really good reminder for me that these things happen, the pain is temporary and resolves.
[00:49:42] And that was my experience. What's so helpful is I am not worried. I am not thinking about my joints. I am not worried about them. I am not obsessing about my alignment. I am not hyper focused on what's going to happen in my body. My, if I have a hyper focus at all, it is actually being hyper focused on how well I'm moving.
[00:50:04] Even when I'm walking around like a drunk penguin for a moment, it is only a moment. And recognizing that that moment changes and my body then moves with a sense of strength, moves with a sense of cohesion, moves with a sense of self efficacy and feeling strong and reliable. And those are what I focus on.
[00:50:29] Even when it's not a hundred percent, I don't need it to be a hundred percent. This is kind of where, when we're using our attention system and we understand the nervous system's bias towards noticing threat and danger and how, when we, when we don't also train our brain to notice not threat and not danger that it will literally Take up all of your time and energy and attention, paying attention and tracking, what it perceives to be dangerous in the name of your survival.
[00:51:05] So I'm now very conscious of how well I'm moving. How much strength I have, how easily I recover from temporary momentary periods of feeling unstable. So if I get up from a chair and I feel a little unstable, I'm not really worrying about it. Like I am just holding myself through that moment. I get up and I feel whatever it is I feel. And then I find that sense of balance. And then I move from there. And it doesn't happen all the time, but you know, it was interesting, even after I went to the gym today and then I was in the car for a while. And then when I got out of the car, my body was like, Oh, we did something.
[00:51:47] And I was like, yeah, we sure as hell did. And what I didn't have was a fear response about it. And then in a moment, my brain was like, Oh yeah, we're fine. And I was like, yeah, we are fine. Yeah, we're totally fine. And it's okay to have a moment of our brain being like, I don't know, are we fine because that's our brain's job.
[00:52:06] Our brain's job is to be like, I don't know, are we fine? And once we get in this loop of having had pain and recovering from it or having had pain for a long time, that nervous system might always be checking in just a little bit. It's first response might be, Oh my God, are we okay?
[00:52:28] And that's okay for that response to be there. It is really okay. Then it is our job to be like, yeah, we're good. I got you. I'm all right. I am strong. Hey, look at this. Look at how well I'm moving. Look at how I'm able to do this much more. Look at the freedom that I can create in this movement, in this connection with vitality in feeling relaxed about having this body today.
[00:52:58] This body today is the only body that exists. It doesn't matter what body you had yesterday, what body you had 10 years ago, it Or what body you might have 10 years from now. This body today is the only body that exists and that body needs to feel safe. That body needs your reassurance, but not that constant reassurance where you just keep asking for reassurance, but never actually feel reassured.
[00:53:26] What we're looking for is ways to connect with that felt sense of safety. I really love to do that through movement. Because what I learned 14 years ago when I had that first surgery and I thought I was doing all the right things by not moving when I felt pain was to stay still and to constantly ice and to take anti inflammatory pain medication because I thought the pain meant something was happening on the inside of me.
[00:54:00] And what I was actually doing was teaching my brain that it was not safe to move. I think that pain and not moving for a while after surgery, there's something probably very useful in that, right? That part saying don't overdo, don't do too much, Hey, pay attention. We want to heal and we're going to build capacity and have less pain as we heal. And so my pain response though was very frightened, was very overwhelmed. I was really scared. I was treated badly by my doctor, wasn't treated badly by the surgeon. He strangely at that time was great later when I saw him, you know, 11 years later, he was not great, but whatever, nobody is one thing, I guess, but at that time he was great. But my actual doctor, you know, was super obsessed with me losing weight. And she's like, what are you going to do before your surgery to lose weight? I was like what are the things that will be helpful for me after having surgery to recover? She didn't have an answer. And then she was just kind of snarky, like, well, I don't know what you eat. Like maybe you eat two whole pies or something, which I thought was hilariously funny because my friend Lesley had written a book called two whole cakes. And we had had a book reading at my store, and I heard those words come out of my doctor's mouth, and it was a massive eye roll moment. We weren't in person, I was on the phone, and I was like, wow, could you be any more of a stereotype? You did not know, but somebody wrote a book just about stupid people like you. No wonder I have a fear of not being helped, right? Because oftentimes I'm met with very tone deaf and unhelpful, reproaches about my body or just people telling me to lose weight and not really listening to what the issues are and not offering me the kind of care that I need.
[00:56:03] So the surgery itself was fine. And then the recovery from surgery was less fine. And I was kind of more or less on my own. And I didn't really understand what was happening. This is one of the reasons why I love pain science education is because education is a part of the treatment plan. Like if Dr.
[00:56:24] Sarno's main treatment. methodology was a three hour lecture, then understanding pain is an essential part of recovering from chronic pain. It's not the only piece, but it is an important piece. It is the same thing that was said about the Pain reprocessing therapy, boulder back pain study. A lot of those techniques were the same as ones that were used in pain management.
[00:56:55] The only thing that was different were that people were told that they can recover from pain versus manage pain. Our belief system and what we think is happening and what we understand to be happening changes our motivation and our actions and also it changes our perception of threat and danger and that changes our behavior and it changes our neural pathways and it changes the pain signals and it allows for this felt sense of safety.
[00:57:25] And the kind of thing that we need to go on to help carry us through that experience of evolving neuroplastic pain signals. And so that is why I was able to go from that very intense pain experience. Maybe it was a pain flare. Maybe it was a subluxation. I don't know. And at this moment, I don't care because my knee has full function and my pain is, I have no pain. And so, I just want to be grateful to my body and to my pain system, my alarm system, that it did what it thought was right in that moment. Thank you. And that because I have this knowledge and understanding that I was able to take the very best care of myself that I could in that moment, and I was able to do something different, do something very different than what I had always thought was the right thing to do.
[00:58:30] And so I was able to stay moving. And while I was moving. Talk to my brain and my nervous system and increase that sense of safety. I can't stress that enough that that ability to lean towards unpleasant sensations and lean towards fear with self compassion, with a sense of safety. That's the part of the internal conversation that is really essential for pain recovery. I definitely journaled about it, I raged on the page, I was furious, and I had all the emotions, and I made room for them all to be felt. I just figured, whatever it is that I'm feeling is temporary, both the high arousal emotions, the physical pain, and the dysfunction. And that's the approach that I took.
[00:59:27] And I'm really happy that it worked, that's the kind of hilarious thing is looking back and being like, Oh my God, thank God that worked. With having all of that recent experience. It was really great to be at the P. P. D. A. conference at the A T N S. Association for Treatment of Neuroplastic Symptoms. I'm going to say it again. Association for Treatment of Neuroplastic Symptoms. I was really happy to be at the conference with all of these people who are the living evidence of what it is that I'm talking about here. It was a really powerful experience and so many people who turn to do this work are doing this work because we have had our own profound, deeply healing, experiences. Most of us who do this work have experienced it ourselves.
[01:00:20] I feel really grateful to my brain and my body for taking such good care of me and sometimes being misguided and always having my best intentions. It is here to support my survival and it is my job to update my brain and my nervous system as to what that means.
[01:00:45] And now that means that I am safe. Even if somebody is mad at me, even if people are angry, even if people hate me, even if they disagree with what it is that I'm saying and I'm doing and the work that I'm doing and what I believe and how I choose to help people. I'm also safe being wrong, it's okay if I'm wrong, it's okay if I don't have all of the answers.
[01:01:12] This work is nuanced and also simple and also full of paradoxes and also as complex as life. One of the biggest things that I realized from this is that my own sense of safety really comes from having absolute loving grace for myself and hopefully for other people and that is the place of safety that I need to continue that I'm being invited into continuing growing That sense of feeling safe, even in the midst of the unknown and the unknowable, just like my experience moving through this storm.
[01:01:56] I'm on the other side and I feel that relief, but all the way through it was so much unknown and things that I could not control. Same with working on any type of neuroplastic symptom is really recognizing my brain and my body are working together for my highest purpose for surviving. And if I want it to look different and feel different, if I want to feel more safe, more of the time, then turning towards what feels terrifying, In the dose that feels the most safe is the way to go and just to continue moving towards safety in all of its forms.
[01:02:41] So if this long and rambly story resonates for you, if you have also complex, experiences with pain or neuroplastic symptoms of any kind and would like a guide, would like to work with somebody who can help you start to understand things differently. I started working with a new client this week and already she's shifting her pain because she's understanding what is happening in her body differently.
[01:03:13] And now she's starting to build that beautiful inner conversation. In a way that helps her soothe that fear and not just push through, but to open up to that kind of care and safety that can only be felt from the inside out. Please book a curiosity call, I will happily and joyfully tell you how I work with people and what it is that we do together and how we can get you moving forward on your healing journey. Thank you so much.