This episode I share two embodied experiences I had of meeting a moment of high arousal emotion, of frustration and anger. High arousal doesn't mean sexual, it mean how much energy is behind it. Here's a great visual describing arousal + valence as a map for emotions. https://neurodivergentinsights.com/arousal-valence-model/ When I was able to witness and meet my emotional need in the moment my body really allowed me to stay present in a positive way and I was able to stay on task and reach my desired goal. It was a really beautiful experience of witnessing and working the mindbody tools. I hope that this episode helps you feel witnessed and validated and given permission to feel whatever you're feeling and feel empowered by that.
This episode I share two embodied experiences I had of meeting a moment of high arousal emotion, of frustration and anger. High arousal doesn't mean sexual, it mean how much energy is behind it.
Here's a great visual describing arousal + valence as a map for emotions.
https://neurodivergentinsights.com/arousal-valence-model/
When I was able to witness and meet my emotional need in the moment my body really allowed me to stay present in a positive way and I was able to stay on task and reach my desired goal. It was a really beautiful experience of witnessing and working the mindbody tools.
I hope that this episode helps you feel witnessed and validated and given permission to feel whatever you're feeling and feel empowered by that.
TCCEP49
[00:00:00] Welcome to the Curiosity Cure podcast. I'm your host, Deb Malkin, master certified life coach, body worker hypnotist, trained in pain reprocessing by the pain psychology center, queer elder. Fat human on planet Earth. Here to help you evoke the power of simple neuroplasticity techniques rooted in shame free curiosity, so you can feel more, better, more of the time in the body you have today, and build the rich full life that you want to live.
[00:00:39] A quick disclaimer, this podcast is not a replacement for medical care. I am here to provide insights and techniques that can compliment your healthcare journey. But always consult with your healthcare provider for personalized advice.
[00:00:58] Hello, my [00:01:00] feelers and healers. This is Deb, your host of the Curiosity Cure podcast. Today I wanna share with you two stories. Two examples of meeting the moment of an emotion. I'm sharing this story because the way that it felt internally created a really powerful shift for me. There were two moments of anxiety and overwhelm.
[00:01:33] One of them I had just finished, a bathroom renovation, which had been very challenging. Um. Okay. Maybe not very challenging, but had been challenging. There were things that were unexpected, and for me, unexpected experiences sometimes really rock my boat. They end up being the thing that like is destabilizing because [00:02:00] my brain really loves surety, really loves to believe that it knows what is happening and knows what is coming next.
[00:02:09] That then when something out of the ordinary or unexpected happens, like I can really feel that somatically. And I have come to learn how to pause in that moment and it's almost like learning how to ride the subway when you're not holding onto something or, um, navigate on a, a boat, right?
[00:02:30] Like be able to have my sea legs be able to hold myself up, be able to keep my footing in an experience that feels a little destabilizing. So the bathroom stuff got kind of worked through different personalities. I had to have managed more things than I thought I was going to. And there were about a million decisions that had to get made in bathroom stuff.
[00:02:57] And, you know, also making a lot of [00:03:00] decisions sometimes. The relationship to those decisions, if they all feel very high stakes, that can amplify any distress, any fear, any worry, about an outcome, right? Because we want the outcome that we desire. In this case, I wanted my bathroom to be renovated and my shower to work.
[00:03:24] And there were certain parts of it that were working perfectly and there were certain parts that didn't go the way I wanted them to. And there was a moment, later after the cleanup crew had come and, did a beautiful job cleaning up, but like had put together my dish drainer. Put it back together wrong so that the spout where the water comes out.
[00:03:47] ' cause I only have like a, I don't have a dishwasher, I have a dish drainer that is set to drip the water into the sink. So you put the wet dish in the dish drainer, and then the excess water runs into the sink. [00:04:00] So, however, this woman put it back, it was incorrect and I lost it. She wasn't there.
[00:04:06] Nobody was around me. I just lost it. There was nobody around me, which is probably why I was able to really unleash just this fury of frustration. And I was stomping and I was hitting things and I had a big old temper tantrum meltdown. And you know, I was taking it apart like really strongly. Just like a petulant child. And there was a freedom in that. There was this sense of, I was meeting the moment, the emotional moment, and certainly the emotional moment that had been building up with all of these frustrations and with all of the intensity and the pressure. In, in MINDBODY work and certainly in in the work of Nicole Sachs, she talks about lowering the threshold, like [00:05:00] ladling out the stress, decreasing the amount of pressure building up as if we are a literal pressure cooker, right?
[00:05:08] So that when we lower the temperature or we decrease the pressure, or we open up the valve throughout the day. The pressure doesn't build up. And I had been doing a really good job of opening up the valve on a daily basis. Also there was a big change to my routine. There were a lot of people in my space, there was a lot of people demanding things from me.
[00:05:35] There were sometimes things that weren't going the way I wanted them to. So all of these things were impacting my physical and emotional load. And then there were some conflicts that felt really disappointing on a personal level. So all of that to say, I was doing a great job managing it.
[00:05:55] And also there was this inner part of me that was like so [00:06:00] mad, just so mad that any of those things had happened. What is important is like I can cognitively understand everything that was happening, but the part of me that felt hurt, that felt not taken care of by the people that I had hired. The part of me that was upset that things weren't going the way I wanted them to be going, those wounded inner children, those younger parts of me that, that needed an outlet that needed to be heard, by me, not necessarily by my contractor, but there was a part of me that needed witnessing without judgment. And in that moment, letting that temper tantrum move through me knowing that there was no negative outcomes that were going to happen between me and my dish drainer in my privacy of my own house, and [00:07:00] there was no reason why I couldn't just meet that moment fully and embrace it and let it unleash through me and there was a quality of relief. There was this quality of, oh my God, I don't have to hold it together anymore.
[00:07:20] I will say there is this quality of wanting to meet a certain wildness. Both because we're moving into spring, but also because I have been doing a lot of holding things together, holding things together with my family, holding things together around my dad's passing and around all of his caregivers and around, the sheer amount of things that you need to do to be on top of all of the paperwork and the taxes and the adulting things, especially around when somebody dies.
[00:07:57] But not only that, just in general, being an [00:08:00] adult. Being an adult, there is so much internal management that is happening, in a way that's just like not fun. So the part of me that really resents being an adult that is saying I need more, more play, more joy, more connection, more wildness, more unfettered ness, really got to be met in that moment.
[00:08:27] Here's another story. I went to the DMV because I needed to get my new license and I had not brought all of the right paperwork. They are generous in that if you bring it back the same day, you can be seen the same day, but. It's also hours of waiting. So I went and got the other paper and I brought it back and I signed, uh, reigned up.
[00:08:50] You have to get another number and I know it works differently in different places, but I live in a really big city and I'm waiting and [00:09:00] there's not enough seats for everybody. So I'm standing and there's an automated number caller. So there's this constant sound that is happening of these random numbers being called, and the random numbers are random in the sense that they don't necessarily go in order.
[00:09:21] So my number, there was a number that was called after my number. My number had not yet been called, and I waited the second time around. I waited the first time around to find out that I didn't have all the right papers for like an hour, and I had an appointment the second time around. I waited probably it was like three and a half hours, and there were these moments where I had the temptation of not going back, of just starting over, making another appointment on another day. But I had set aside the day for this activity, I waffled a lot. I like when I [00:10:00] left to go get the document, I was like, I'll make another appointment. And then I looked at my schedule and I looked at that schedule and they didn't really line up.
[00:10:07] And I was like, just do it today. And I was like, okay. I was like, what is it that I need? I should probably eat right. That seems like a good idea.
[00:10:17] So I made sure I had some food. I made sure I used the bathroom. I came back, I signed up and I'm waiting, and then an hour goes by and I feel like this is an unreasonable, like I should probably be seen by now. Right. And I. I get on the information line and I ask if my number had been called and they said no.
[00:10:38] And that, you know, it can take like two hours, so another hour goes by and in between I found a place to sit. So I sat for a while, then I stood and I, I was kind of doing this, noticing practice, like noticing how my energy felt between standing and sitting. Noticing how I had some [00:11:00] scary thoughts about standing too long and how that might cause me pain.
[00:11:04] And noticing as well the impulse, that I really felt when I got quiet to move while I was standing, even though it's kind of a little socially weird. So I did some walking around the room, but I also just decided that I would just move like I was listening to music even though I wasn't listening to music.
[00:11:27] So I did some swaying and I did some moving, and I kind of put on my, I don't really give an f what people think when they look at me. Uh, people aren't even looking at me, anyway. They're in their own experience. And then I went over and I talked to the woman that I talked to earlier and I asked if she could help me and she couldn't help me because whatever, she was a supervisor, so she was doing something else, and she just said, they will see you.
[00:11:55] And I decided in that moment that no matter what I was [00:12:00] staying and that no matter what emotion I felt, I would just recognize it and validate it because what I was noticing was being afraid of, of spilling over, being afraid of it being too much like I could feel this emotionality rising inside of me.
[00:12:17] I could feel blaming myself for not having the right documents. So my brain wanted to beat me up and be like, you always do this, and you didn't look to see what you were supposed to bring, and you just assumed that you had it and blah, blah, blah. You know, not the most helpful. And then I could feel that sense of blame and shame wanting to spiral into either leaving or being really upset. So what I decided was I would just talk to that inner part instead of saying, don't be upset, instead of saying, don't blame yourself. [00:13:00] Instead of saying like, just get your shit together. I really in, you know, inside my mind, not really perceivable, I'm assuming by other people, really answered, like, had that internal dialogue.
[00:13:15] So I said, yes, it sounds like you're upset that you didn't read the instructions or that you didn't bring this piece of information, and then I could feel this softening. And there was a part of me that said, yeah, I, I don't like this about myself. When I save everything to the last minute.
[00:13:34] And I said, yeah, I know that can, that can be hard. It can be hard that you didn't look it up. Ahead of time. But also that that moment had passed. Like, we can't go back. We can't hit the rewind button. So what do you wanna think about yourself now? What do you wanna think and feel about yourself knowing that yes, you had not followed the directions and that you showed up, but [00:14:00] you didn't have all the right documents, even though then you figured out how to get the right documents. And you came back and the part of me was like, you know what? I wanna learn from this, you know, but I, I don't really wanna be mean to me.
[00:14:14] And I was like, that's right. You don't really wanna be mean to you, do you? It's like, I wanna be allowed to make mistakes. And I was like, oh, what? What's different for you when you're allowed to make mistakes? And then there was this deep feeling of both relief and sadness. This feeling, this breath that finally exhaled that said, oh yeah, I'm allowed to make mistakes.
[00:14:42] If I'm allowed to make mistakes, then one, I don't have to be so tight and protective that I can just get curious and like see what happens. And I was like, yeah, that's what we're doing right now, we're seeing what happens. And I was like, is it a [00:15:00] problem that you're here, in this time like.
[00:15:03] I know that it's time. Maybe you wished you were doing something else, but you have this time to be here and wait on this line and, you know, looks like it's gonna get done today and you'll find out if you have the right information. And my brain and body myself, whoever it was that I was talking to was like, yeah, you know what, you're right.
[00:15:23] I'm here right now. I have the time. This is the time I set aside for this and it's actually not a problem. Is it the most delicious use of my time? No. But like it's also fine. And I also forgot to say that my phone was dying, didn't have that distraction of my phone. I didn't have a book.
[00:15:44] I mean, if I designed these DMVs, I would add a lot of things, like I would add a little lending library and I would maybe like a place to play games. And definitely a place to get some snacks. I am not in charge, but I [00:16:00] kept reminding myself I'm actually safe. There's nothing going on here that is dangerous or damaging or a problem other than it's not what I wanted it to be.
[00:16:11] It's not what I think was ideal or what should have happened, and other than that. This is a very fine place to be. I was like, these people are doing their job, they're moving through things, they're the experts. It's all gonna get done, and if for some reason it can't get done today, it'll get done in another day.
[00:16:28] It took about three and a half hours to be seen that second time. But in the midst of that, I started to listen deeply into my body and not in a like, oh my God, don't hurt, don't panic, don't do this thing like, oh my God, at any moment this like explosion might happen and I have to keep the lid on it, right?
[00:16:52] That kind of emotional suppression does not create the foundation for ease or [00:17:00] peace. And I can remember that feeling so many times in so many places. I remember walking in and out of places, like I would walk into a store and immediately turn around and walk out. Like I can have a sense of what my nervous system is available for, but at the same time I was like I want the result of getting my new license. And so it really requires completing this task. And I could feel at moments like where I wanted to have a temper tantrum. Like I really wanted to like stomp up and down and throw myself on the floor. And I was like, okay, well, we're not gonna throw ourselves on the floor at the DMV, but what might a temper tantrum feel like? What might an imperceptible temper tantrum be? And even just that thought really amused me. It really brought me a lot of joy and humor in that moment.
[00:17:54] I was standing up at this point and I was like, can I move my feet in a way that [00:18:00] really connects to that feeling of a temper tantrum where I am stomping, and letting that energy move through me, and also doing it in a way that feels stealth and safe.
[00:18:12] But as soon as I met the moment of that emotion, my body stopped resisting. I almost didn't need the temper tantrum because my body was like, oh, you're not trying to suppress this anymore. You're not trying to hold me down like a beach ball in the ocean under the water. You're not trying to push this feeling away.
[00:18:35] You are meeting the moment of this emotion and you are saying, hello. I see you. I feel you. I validate you and I love you even though you are having a feeling that I'm not excited to be having, and it was this beautiful, unplanned, unscheduled, [00:19:00] unpracticed moment. It was my mind-body work out in the wild.
[00:19:05] Again is such a powerful experience. About how we take the work out of the theoretical and have to practice it. You have to practice these activities of noticing, self-soothing, curious inquiry, self attending. You have to practice them in the wild, not just in a safe environment or not just in your mind, even though I was doing some of those activities in my mind it was out in the world, not just reading about them.
[00:19:39] Bringing yourself into the world in the practice creates the possibility for corrective experiences. Being able to notice my body and mind shift into this beautiful state of parasympathetic nervous system [00:20:00] relaxation, where everything felt a little melty, once I stopped trying to resist having a feeling that I didn't wanna have, that was such a powerful shift that I noticed that I couldn't not notice that had had happened, and I was just like.
[00:20:18] Wow. Holy shit. And of course, I didn't have anybody to tell or anybody to share that with because I was at the DMV and those people don't care and my phone wasn't working, so I even had to contain it. Like I even had to just be with it and just notice, Ooh, what do my shoulders feel like now?
[00:20:37] Oh, they actually feel relaxed. What does my spine feel like? There were moments where I was practicing sitting up, I was practicing laying back in a chair. I was practicing different postures and noticing. What does my energy feel like? What does my body feel like? What is my mind offering me when I'm changing positions?
[00:20:58] What does it feel [00:21:00] like when I'm walking and standing in a way that feels relaxed and comfortable for me? What did it feel like to be online waiting to ask somebody who was clearly overwhelmed a question. There was a lot about my body interacting with other people's bodies. So I was like, what is it like to be sitting next to this person and what is it like to be standing next to this family? And really noticing the way that we all moved together, the way that we all created a community in that moment, in that day, and noticing my intention, my desire to add something to the community.
[00:21:43] And noticing that desire of like, oh, I really wanna bring a relaxed body. I wanna bring a nervous system that is calm to this space. Like that's my gift. That feels like a joyful offering, that I [00:22:00] can do that here because I don't know what's going on for people. You know, there is a lot going on in this world right now. So there was also that quality of being really aware of being one person among many people, but how we cultivate the space together is Something that we're doing consciously and subconsciously. So I wanted to bring a little bit of a conscious awareness to cultivating that, but not in a people pleasing way, and not in a, like, I'm trying to control people way, it felt like an invitation or an offer.
[00:22:34] And it has now come up a few times with clients of offering them the freedom and permission to have a temper tantrum. To allow their body to process, to continue to move through an emotion without suppressing it, without wishing that they weren't experiencing it. Right? So we meet the moment of the emotion with [00:23:00] curiosity and without judgment, and also really giving that sense of permission of like, nothing is going wrong here. We're having an experience. How can we be with ourselves through this experience? And then what do we notice about it, about that quality of being with ourselves versus suppressing, shoulding, shutting down or silencing. What's different when we're not doing that? What is being asked for when we turn our attention towards the parts of us that often get shushed and silenced, and whether that's an inner child kind of activity or exercise, or whether that's a contemporary, your adult self that has to bite your tongue, keep it together. So we're getting curious and loosening up all the ways that our system is [00:24:00] programmed to survive. Which parts of that, where can we loosen up those binds so that we can feel more present to what is in this moment?
[00:24:12] I notice, just like I noticed at the DMV, that actually I can be here now. I can be here for three and a half hours and that's not a problem. So which part of ourselves, when we are letting go of the story of this moment shouldn't be happening? Can we actually just notice, actually I can be here right now knowing that this will change when I free myself from the self-judgment the overwhelm of wanting things to be different. What is it that you observe? What's there? Sometimes it's a habituated pattern of leaping ourselves out of experiences that we're not happy to be having. And we have a [00:25:00] habitual pattern of ruminating, self blame and I guess I was gonna say obsessive thinking, but maybe like a problem solving, obsessive problem solving. That was something I noticed like every time when I talked to the person at the information desk. And then I was like, well, who else can I ask? Even though that person gave me information, but I didn't like that information, so let me see if I can go ask somebody else.
[00:25:25] And I did. And I was like, okay, you're gonna ask her. And if she says your number will be called eventually, like what if you accepted that? As opposed to continually trying to think that there's some other thing that I should be doing that I'm not doing to figure it out. And that's often this quality of reassurance seeking that I find people have a lot of times when we are trying to manage our health anxiety or try to action our way into the kind of health and physiological experiences that we [00:26:00] want to be having, we think there must be something I'm not doing that I should be doing. And we go on this kind of seeking, the seeking journey feels good because it directionalizes our attention. One, it's very distracting from the experience that we're having. And it is like the hope springs eternal experience. So we are moving towards thinking like we're solving whatever it is our dilemma is. And there's a reciprocal relationship because some problems when we get into problem seeking and solving mode, that is actually the thing that is maintaining the problem state.
[00:26:41] So there was a lot of internal dialogue happening with me and a lot of unwillingness to just kind of surrender into what is, and I could tell that there were some narratives like, oh strong people ask for what they want. There were all kinds of thoughts that I was having about [00:27:00] people who were very patiently waiting and I was like, they must not get what they need. And if they only ask for it, then they'll get special treatment. That may or may not be true in some places. I certainly tried my best to be seen before my number was called. I guess I didn't try to bribe anybody. So there is some entitlement that I could notice. There was some wishful thinking that I was noticing. There was some despair that I was trying to keep back, despair and self blame. So there was the whole gamut of feelings and it was really funny.
[00:27:38] I was like, uh, a good book would just take care of all of this. Someplace to put my attention would've been nice, but I even had moments of like putting myself in a light trance. But I didn't wanna be too out of it. 'cause I did wanna make sure that I noted when my number was called.
[00:27:55] So much arose in that experience that, [00:28:00] because I am a MINDBODY practitioner, I understand that these moments have this rich. Opportunity that there's an invitation to know myself even better and to love myself even deeper. These are the moments that offer that invitation, not the moments where everything goes well, not the moments where I put on an outfit and I do my hair and I think, oh my God, I look amazing and I love myself and everything's going the way I want it to. Sure, those are nice, but these are the moments that are truly the opportunities for that deep self abiding love and affection. And I had so much affection arising for me, arising for the grumpy, pouty, pissy parts of me, the parts that wanted to be mean to me.
[00:28:56] That just thought like, well, that's a good [00:29:00] strategy. And I was like, oh my God, I love all of me. This is me. This is that invitation to become affectionate with all the parts of me. That was the invitation, and I really enjoyed all the kinds of noticings that were happening. And one thing that I noticed, and this is. Not really. Well, this is about meeting the moment is that my body really enjoyed moving and inside the stillness there was a lot of desire to move.
[00:29:34] And that was something I noticed when I was on retreat at Esalen. When I was at the wheel of consent workshop, we would do these two song dance breaks. So we'd take breaks during the class and they would play two songs and you go to the bathroom, you come back in the room, the song is playing, you just kind of move around with your classmates and do some freestyle dancing.
[00:29:56] And what I noticed was, oh my God, my [00:30:00] body really likes this and wants more and trying to find an analogous experience and it, yeah, I could put on music and play a song and I often do, when I'm home, but I was like what would it be like to go and get something similar to this out in the world?
[00:30:19] And I remember Dance Church, so last week I took myself to the first dance church class that I'd ever been to and for like over an hour moved with other people and it was an incredible experience and maybe I will do another podcast about that specifically. I really noticed what was different that this moment of my 55-year-old body going to dance church was the way that I have always wanted to feel moving.
[00:30:50] And I really got to experience being in a diverse space with diverse bodies and ages and sizes, and [00:31:00] not judge myself. Feel a sense of liberation, even though my body didn't move the way that other people's bodies moved and that when they were jumping up and down, I was doing something else and it wasn't a problem.
[00:31:16] So that was something nice that was created in that container, but it doesn't really matter if it's created in the container, if I also can't create it and believe it inside of myself. What was nice was it didn't take that much work to be with me in that space, to be honoring me, and I felt so moved.
[00:31:38] Like there were moments where I felt so overwhelmed with joy, overwhelmed with awe that I could be here. This was an experience that, and I know I talked about going to a dance class on a previous podcast, but like this was a spirit, the spirit that I have been longing for, [00:32:00] for decades and I experienced it and I have experienced it in, in other places, but I really got to experience it in a dance class and I'm just so happy. That was about meeting the moment, meeting the moment of the emotion, and meeting the moment of the desire and meeting it in a way that works for me and my body who I am right now. There is not the 20-year-old me going to this dance class. Maybe there's the 20-year-old me inside of the 55-year-old me and we're going there together, but this body is not 20 years old and that is okay. I talk a lot about adaptation to movement and adding load and you know, so our, I understand about physiology and I'm really curious to notice if I go to dance church more than once, how my body will adapt to moving for an hour and doing all kinds of like wild [00:33:00] movements. It also was about meeting the spirit of wildness and that spirit of wild abandon that has been craving a home. So happy to have found one.
[00:33:13] I hope that in this podcast episode I have given you some ideas about how to relate to your emotions differently and relate to any kind of sensory experience that you feel in your body. Anything that you feel, I hope it's given you some freedom to be curious about what you are noticing arising inside of you, because that curiosity.
[00:33:41] That ability to notice is what helps unravel the conditioned responses that we have subconsciously created over time. And if that's something that you're like, you know what, I get it, or I don't get it, or I wanna know more, or I need a practice partner, or [00:34:00] I want a guide I'm here for that. You know, if you need somebody to help you practice nonjudgmental curiosity with your somatic experiences, that's what I'm here for.
[00:34:13] I am available to see new clients, to start working with some new people, and maybe you wanna be one of them, so please reach out. There's the link in the buy in the show notes to book curiosity call.
[00:34:27] All right. I look forward to hearing from you and I hope that you are doing well in these wild times. Thanks.