This episode was inspired by the conversation I had with therapist Caryn Sherbet, which will be my next podcast. They're a new PRT therapist and we chatted about the gifts of exposure response therapy for all kinds of situations we encounter that trigger our avoidance response. In this episode, I take you through two experiences that are more aligned with emotional pain but hey you all know that can often be a trigger for physical pain, or go hand in hand with it (hey that's a great podcast idea). But I walk you through the avoidance/approach process that I used to help me transform two tender emotional experiences I was having that was causing me to avoid taking aligned actions. In the process I was able to further neutralize two stories that I've been carrying around for years, "I don't get things done" and "Being fat means I'm not worthy of love (and not currently being in a relationship is proof)." As I say in the episode, I'm in a fierce transformation phase of my life, having finished the majority of heavy lifting of activities around my Dad's passing as well as the coming of Spring. As I get more friendly with what triggers avoidance, I'm able to gently use my tools of neuroplasticity and psychophysiological recoding processes to rewire those habitual responses from a place of self compassion and strength vs. secretly reinforcing my old belief systems. Having a self connecting intention is the key to this approach. I'm opening my doors for working with new clients. Please book a curiosity call and let's chat about how working together can help you feel more better more of the time. Or all of the time, don't let me create any limitations on how good it can get!
This episode was inspired by the conversation I had with therapist Caryn Sherbet, which will be my next podcast. They're a new PRT therapist and we chatted about the gifts of exposure response therapy for all kinds of situations we encounter that trigger our avoidance response.
In this episode, I take you through two experiences that are more aligned with emotional pain but hey you all know that can often be a trigger for physical pain, or go hand in hand with it (hey that's a great podcast idea). But I walk you through the avoidance/approach process that I used to help me transform two tender emotional experiences I was having that was causing me to avoid taking aligned actions. In the process I was able to further neutralize two stories that I've been carrying around for years, "I don't get things done" and "Being fat means I'm not worthy of love (and not currently being in a relationship is proof)."
Here's the link for a faster EFT technique - https://youtu.be/wpYjrdl7PMo?si=ida8WiV1uHo_QooE
As I say in the episode, I'm in a fierce transformation phase of my life, having finished the majority of heavy lifting of activities around my Dad's passing as well as the coming of Spring. As I get more friendly with what triggers avoidance, I'm able to gently use my tools of neuroplasticity and psychophysiological recoding processes to rewire those habitual responses from a place of self compassion and strength vs. secretly reinforcing my old belief systems. Having a self connecting intention is the key to this approach.
I'm opening my doors for working with new clients. Please book a curiosity call and let's chat about how working together can help you feel more better more of the time. Or all of the time, don't let me create any limitations on how good it can get!
And if getting an astrology reading is something in your house of desire I highly recommend working with Miss Renee. She's been someone who has served as a touchstone for me over the years when I need just enough clarity to get me heading in the right direction. Her intentions are always to give someone back to themselves, to feel empowered in their deepest self love and connection - https://missreneehealing.com/
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Curiosity Cure podcast. I'm your host, Deb Malkin, master certified life coach, body worker hypnotist, trained in pain reprocessing by the pain psychology center, queer elder. Fat human on planet Earth. Here to help you evoke the power of simple neuroplasticity techniques rooted in shame free curiosity, so you can feel more, better, more of the time in the body you have today, and build the rich full life that you want to live.
[00:00:39] A quick disclaimer, this podcast is not a replacement for medical care. I am here to provide insights and techniques that can compliment your healthcare journey. But always consult with your healthcare provider for personalized advice.
[00:00:58] Hello, my feelers and [00:01:00] healers. This is Deb, your host of the Curiosity Cure podcast. I had some interesting experiences that are gonna tie into our next episode, which is an interview with a new PRT therapist who also specializes in OCD and ERP. And ERP is exposure response prevention.
[00:01:23] And we talk a lot about the overlaps between pain reprocessing therapy and ERP. And the biggest part of it is moving towards discomfort and leaning into a frame of curiosity. So I've been having some things going on personally that I'm noticing that I've been avoiding, and then having emotional distress.
[00:01:48] 'cause it's so interesting, right? We use these words sometimes, you know, like avoidance or procrastination. And if we weren't bothered. [00:02:00] If we didn't have a negative emotional association, then we might just be able to look at the situation and be like, huh, okay. You know, when I don't do my dishes, one, I don't have any clean dishes, things back up in the sink and it smells and like, oh, okay, I should, you know, if I choose to do something different.
[00:02:20] But that's not how it goes. Right? What happens is the emotional experience that rides along with the avoidance strategy. The emotional experience is usually shame. Could be shame, could be fear. It's something negative. It's not just an idea of a feeling, right?
[00:02:39] I always remind you that like feelings are felt senses, they are physiological experiences in our body. So I have a backyard, which is a blessing, but also sometimes a curse. And there's just a lot of delayed caretaking that I haven't been doing. And so finally this [00:03:00] year I cut back the Rose Bush.
[00:03:02] I watched a lot of videos on YouTube and I, and I did it, which was very exciting. And then I noticed, hey, you know what? I also wanna start to pull out some of this dead stuff and compost it. But what was really happening, right, is like, that's the idea, that's the desire in my head.
[00:03:20] Like I want to attend to my yard, but what was happening in my body and in my mind was thinking about my past relationship and how she would tend to the garden. Thinking about how I should have done it last year, or I should have done it some other time that isn't now. And noticing, I would look outside like longingly, but wouldn't take any action to get there.
[00:03:47] And that cycle, it's almost like you're carrying a backpack. I'm sure you've heard of this metaphor, you're carrying a backpack. And it was like every time I had one of those avoidant thoughts or one of those tender emotional [00:04:00] thoughts, triggers, uh, it was like putting a weight in the backpack, and then the, of course, it was just heavier and heavier. It felt further and further and further and further away. I.
[00:04:12] And so the first part is to just notice that those things are happening. Notice that, I really got into a story. I've got a really juicy story about how I don't get things done, and so anything that touches upon that story, that feels like it, that sounds like it, smells like it, you know, goes into that I don't get things done narrative. There's this quality of reinforcing that story, which of course is not the whole story at all. There are plenty of things that I get done, but somehow, you know, those get discounted or they don't count or whatever it is, right? This is not true facts. These are not logical statements. And so I'm in the process of really celebrating the things that I do do [00:05:00] and unwiring this habitual process of self shaming.
[00:05:06] And so the only way to do it successfully is to avoid avoiding, right? Is to lean towards the uncomfortable feelings in a way that is witnessed, witnessed by this larger self, witnessed by this self of me that is knowing that I'm doing this for my highest good, that I'm doing it when I'm in contact with it, that is when I can change it.
[00:05:34] Through hypnosis, there are some very simple techniques that I can do to change the neural habitual pattern that happens subconsciously in the background before I even notice it. So, yesterday with the yard, I had some time and I had already started thinking about it.
[00:05:52] Like when I decided to cut the Rose Bush, I had bought those big bags that you put compost [00:06:00] into. And I found all my tools and I had cut back the bush and I was like, this is all I'm doing right now. So I had the bags and I had my tools, and I could notice that that cycle started to begin.
[00:06:12] I just leaned in, like I leaned into both looking at the yard and I leaned into the part of me that was like, oh, this hurts. And I did a little bit of tapping. I tapped on the top of my head and I have a faster EFT video I tapped on the top of my head and I said, I release and let that go.
[00:06:33] And then between my eyes. I release and let that go. And underneath my eye I release and let that go. And then on my chest, I release and let that go. And then I grab my wrist and I said the word peace, and I took a deep breath in and a long, slow exhale out. And then I just shook it out. I did that a few times and what I noticed [00:07:00] was that that avoidance pain went away. And then the next part is the important part, which is like, what is the next smallest step that I can take to move myself towards doing this activity? I gave myself a lot of freedom. I didn't have to complete it. I was like, let me open the door, let me go outside. It was really nice outside, so that was great. I said, I'm just gonna do a little bit. I put on a podcast that I really liked and I just started. I think I maybe did like a half an hour, an hour worth of work. I started and I just kept going and I filled up a, did I fill up one whole bag?
[00:07:40] Yeah, I filled up a whole bag. And then there was a signal in my body that said like, oh, I think I'm done for now, because the next step was gonna be like a little bit more complicated, also I ran into some like snails or slugs and I was like, ah, okay, that's great that, that was [00:08:00] unexpected.
[00:08:00] I recovered from seeing the slugs and but like I got it going and now. This is the key. When I look outside my body is like, oh yeah, we know how to get things done. We know how to start. We're gonna keep going. And that felt sense of that narrative is really true. Some of it is like telling on myself like there's no perfectionism, there's no, I start, and then it gets done perfectly, and then I never have to do it again. First of all, the, these are plants and this is nature. It is always in process, right? So I am now in the clearing the ground, getting it ready, preparing for what I'm almost not sure, and that's some of it too, which is like, oh, if I knew what it was that I wanted, kind of even more deeply, I would have a path towards something, but right now my desire is to clear out all [00:09:00] the things that don't need to be there. That's my desire. So I'm gonna clear out all of the old containers that really just have dirt in them. I'm clearing out these things so that then whatever the next step is, whatever it is that I desire, and maybe that won't come until next year, and that is okay. I'll be ready for it.
[00:09:20] But really deeper on the deeper most important level is I don't look outside and feel despair. And I am not feeling triggered by those old memories anymore. Now I can think about my ex and about how much she loved the garden, and there's a spark of warmth and connection, it feels really lovely to be out there and picking up the work that she started and feel connected.
[00:09:50] We have a lovely relationship. I like feeling connected to her. So, you know, and if that was more difficult then I would do some more work about tending [00:10:00] that. But it's okay to have tender feelings. Not everything is supposed to feel amazing all of the time. So there's a way in which coming in contact with the thing that I want to avoid is what allows me to crack it open and see what is beautiful on the inside. It's like a geode. It's like on the outside it just looks like a rock. And then when you crack it open, there's a whole universe happening inside of there that is full of beauty and awe and wonder. So I'm proud of myself, not just for getting things done, ' cause in some ways getting things done, it's a mixed bag.
[00:10:42] It's like getting things done is really important and very useful and we like the result. I like the result of being able to go out into my yard, into my garden and feel the way I want to feel. I like the result of having clean dishes. I like the [00:11:00] result of having a sink that I don't feel like I want to avoid, and also knowing that I can shift my old patterns and it doesn't have to take forever.
[00:11:13] And so there's a desire the approaching the avoidance with curiosity. Sometimes it can be hard. So last night, I went to the theater. I had an extra ticket and I couldn't find anybody to go with me. I have some loneliness triggers and definitely was feeling like, oh no. I don't have any friends, which I know is not true.
[00:11:39] I also am going to the theater with a friend today. I went to the theater with friends on Friday. So intellectually, I know that that's not true, but there's a certain quality of loneliness or soloness that, is a part of my existential makeup. I don't know what that is. It certainly [00:12:00] makes my life have a kind of interesting flavor to it.
[00:12:04] I have a friend who is an astrologer and she told me that like my placement of my natal chart, like this is a core part of my life's journey. So I'm like, okay, it may be true. It's something that I've definitely felt for a long time. That sense of desiring attachment. I mean if we look at it, there's so many different like theories that we could look at attachment theory or astrology or whatever.
[00:12:30] What I realized yesterday as I was really feeling lonely, like feeling sad about being alone, was that I'm actually not alone. That I am with myself. And there was this quality that I drew on from earlier that day, which was this idea of not self abandoning. That myself is full of connection. I sold my ticket to a [00:13:00] stranger and we sat next to each other. We actually had a great conversation. She knew where I grew up. Like we had a lot of fun together. There was this lovely sense of connection and I think that's one of the reasons I love to go to the theater is like you are having your own experience, but you're also inside of a group of people who are all experiencing something together. And that is viscerally impactful for me, in a way that I love and appreciate. So that part felt really good. So when I got home, I don't even know if it was as I got home or I was on my way home. I realized that I was avoiding feeling lonely as if feeling lonely was a bad thing, as if it meant something true about me, as if it meant like I'm not gonna ever be in a romantic relationship again. There's some quirks in it. 'cause like, I don't actually know that I ever want to live with anybody again. So I would be maybe coming home alone. So it's [00:14:00] all very, you know, you can catch yourself in these, not lies, but in these like half truths where it's almost like our nervous system is oh, here's this tender pain, and then the words come in to justify it, to reinforce the narrative of the feeling. So one, I just was like, okay, there's a feeling here that is asking me to attend to it. And I was like, cool, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna let go of the story and notice what does this feel like?
[00:14:37] And so that's somatic tracking. When we use somatic tracking around an uncomfortable sensation or some kind of physical pain or a symptom, we use somatic tracking to get out of the narrative, to just observe, to be a curious witness to the experience that we're having. And so as I shifted [00:15:00] into that activity of somatic tracking, of really just noticing what does this feeling that I'm calling loneliness feel like? And I got quiet and opened up and there was like a hollowness in my belly and kind of like this little like, hmm. And I can't even describe it. There was like my, my back had some sensations. Like it was so interesting once I decided, oh yeah, it's not that I'm gonna not ever have a romantic or intimate relationship ever again and also I just had a kind of a breakup. So I'm like, ugh. It was really interesting to watch 'cause I was almost like, well there's kind of nothing here. Like there's a bunch of sensations, but that's about it. I'm actually fine. So one, noticing that this is pointing to a desire that there's something that I desire, I desire a certain [00:16:00] kind of connection that I don't currently have, and that's great.
[00:16:05] There's a lot of things I can do and obviously also some fear that comes along with that. But the next thing was I did another tapping session, but I did a longer one, and this one was about rewriting that story about being alone. ' cause I'm sure if you listen to this podcast, you've heard me say things like I was told by my mother, who, you know, didn't understand anything about the power of words and language, she told me if I was fat, that nobody would love me. Which has not been true and yet. We talk about in hypnosis the idea of priming and we talk about like post hypnotic suggestion. So that was quite a suggestion to give to your young child. To a young girl who also is very primed socially by the world that like love, [00:17:00] marriage, relationships, certainly kind of heteronormative kinds of ones, are really what are important and if you don't have that, then there's something wrong with you. And I've obviously done a lot of my own deprogramming, both consciously and subconsciously, to let go of those stories and beliefs. And I don't actually believe it. I don't believe that being in a relationship makes you more worthy than not being in a relationship. So I'm gonna lead with that. One of the things that I did was do another round of tapping, but this time with a setup phrase. Because I noticed every time I said, oh, I'm not in a relationship or I'm alone, there was this deep penetrating tenderness or pain. And I noticed I wanted to lean away from that statement and I was like, okay, so we're gonna lean into that statement so I can neutralize it. So it [00:18:00] not painful that I can say, even though I'm not in a relationship, I completely love and accept myself.
[00:18:08] So I did some tapping and my setup phrase was, even though I'm not in a relationship. Or even though I feel lonely. So it was both of those. But the fact is by the time I got through the tapping, I could say both of those statements without crying, without feeling it. The statement is true.
[00:18:28] Even though I'm not in a relationship, I completely love and appreciate myself even though I feel lonely. I have huge amounts of connection. So I just was able to reframe that story. And using tapping, tapping is what interrupts the neural patterns, in hypnosis we call it a pattern interrupt, right? So that. If you notice in yourself and every single person does this, you know, you see something, you hear something, you feel something, you smell [00:19:00] something, you have a trigger of some kind, and you have a whole experience. So you may feel triggered by something and then maybe you'll have a memory or you'll feel some fear, or you'll quickly want to move away from that experience. We often do buffering activities to move us away from that exquisite discomfort. When we only buffer and only avoid, we never get to transform. I am in a ferocious for transforming mode right now, because I've changed a lot and there's these underlying patterns that I'm like, okay kids, it's time I'm really feeling ready. And they sometimes just show up when they show up, so I'm like, Hmm, all right. When they show up, I'm kind of like, hmm juicy for them, hungry, like, let's [00:20:00] go. Let's take this opportunity to do something different. If I notice that I'm having the same pattern my now instinct is, what can I do differently? How can I shift this with self-compassion, of course, and curiosity. So as I was coming home and I was noticing that, you know, that story of feeling alone or not being in a relationship came up. I was like, okay, let's work on this so I can get to neutral about it and even feel positive, like it's a presupposition that being in a relationship would be better.
[00:20:37] And I have been in relationships that are not better than being alone. So also really like calling some truth in that not all experiences, even though we are socially conditioned to believe and want them told by the world that this is what we should want. They are not always better. So [00:21:00] let's also be clear there.
[00:21:01] I was able to say, even though I'm not in a relationship, I completely love and accept myself. Even though I am not in a relationship right now. I enjoy who I am and what I do. Even though I feel lonely on occasion. I also know that I am surrounded by love and connection. I led myself through that a few times, did a few rounds of it, and noticed all of that settling, all of it relaxing into the truth that I actually know, which is my life is mine. And I am free to do it with other people and to do it with the beautiful company of myself and actually to strive to be better company for myself so that when I am doing things solo, I'm having a great time because I enjoy [00:22:00] myself.
[00:22:00] Knowing that the more I enjoy myself also, then the more free I am to enjoy other people, the more free I am to relate to people from a really grounded sense where I'm not in a desperation for validation or connection, a certain quality of connection that I'm not giving myself.
[00:22:22] Yesterday was a powerful day in that being willing to approach and also not self abandoning and not perpetuating some avoidance strategies. And of course, this is never about perfection. It's always about process and being in process in a way that amplifies, kindness, curiosity, a lighthearted quality, a sense of humor, holding it loosely.
[00:22:52] These are things that also can come along with. These are the flavorings that I am adding to [00:23:00] this cake or to the icing, right? I want it to feel a certain kind of way. I'm really proud of myself, of the skills that I have and the ability I have to be able to do something different, and I look back on all of my childhood and I think, huh, it really could have been simple. I didn't know any of this then. I always wanted to feel different, and yet I didn't know how. And that cycle in chronic pain world in PRT, we call it The fear pain, fear cycle. And I think it was for me, this kind of like emotional depth because I do think I'm a big feeler, but then this kind of like despair, overwhelm, avoidance cycle, and.
[00:23:56] I'm able to now look at that [00:24:00] past me, that younger me and with so much love, and to be like, of course. Of course that was what was going on. Of course, nobody told you, they didn't know how to help you feel better. Nobody understood that there's a way to approach this deep feeling, human experience with this loving self witness and that, that, that self, especially when you're like, this self is never abandoning me, that self, can see more and hold the vision of what can be possible and how you will feel when you're able to move past this moment or even see that it is just a moment . And be able to see beyond all of the socialization, all of the messages that we are primed with. Who is acceptable, who is going to [00:25:00] receive love, all of these unhelpful and untrue, right?
[00:25:04] They are not true, untrue beliefs, and yet we still contend with them because it's what was taught to us. And so what I love about looking at younger me is like, she was really fierce. Like I could tell that she was just like, Hmm, I'm not having it. And yet there was this way in which avoidance was the most protective strategy. Avoidance was the strategy that was most effective. It had a true positive intention, right? It had a positive intention of moving me away from pain. Now what I've learned both through pain reprocessing and emotional freedom work and hypnosis is, I don't need to feel fear around pain.
[00:25:51] And pain, both physical and emotional, are deep invitations to the next step of growth and deep [00:26:00] invitations into the doorway of change. So I had to come on here and share those two experiences with you, because as always, I am my client zero. That's how I got into this work, through my own experience with pain reprocessing.
[00:26:19] And I am the living example for myself of how these techniques change lives. I wanted to share that because just in one day I had two really powerful experiences and now I know gonna, you know, have to reinforce this work. But I do feel fundamentally different.
[00:26:38] I'm rejoicing. It showed up in ways this morning I was like making coffee and I was just about ready to get back into bed and stare on my phone and, and then I was like, no, we wanna go take this coffee out for a walk.
[00:26:51] And I was like, yeah, we're gonna take this coffee out for a walk. And I walked down the street and I lived down the street from a supermarket and then I did some grocery [00:27:00] shopping and had a great walk back with my groceries and having drunk my coffee. And then I was like, you know what? There's some things I wanna share. And then I was able to sit down and record this podcast and all before noon and I was like, okay, I can feel the shifting, shifting. I can feel the bracing, loosening.
[00:27:20] I can feel an opening in the wall of self-protection in ways that I'm really curious to see what's gonna happen. So that's what's going on for me. Thank you always for listening. And, yeah, and I might feel shy later today, like also really giving myself room to have a recoil or a backlash from this opening myself up and sharing something deeply. Sometimes there's a bit of a coming back in, and so just noticing all of it with incredible love and amazing curiosity and self [00:28:00] friendship. One of the lines that, it's really been serving me this past year is like.
[00:28:05] You're gonna be okay kid. You're gonna be okay. So even when I say that I like put a hand on my heart and I can really feel it, you're gonna be okay, kid. If that evokes something in you, if anything that I've said really starts to turn the lights on. Or that, you know, eureka, aha, light bulb moment really savor it. Really notice what shifted for you in hearing me talk you through my day and talk you through this process of, unavoiding avoidance, right? Unwiring avoidance, and not because of any perfectionist goals, but because these kinds of shifts create incredible ripple effects. What would your life be like if you were able to notice, pause and gently shift yourself [00:29:00] out of avoidance strategies? With love and not blame, right? We're not moving towards beating ourselves up into doing things. We're really looking towards how do we open ourselves up to the deepest pleasure of self-connection and love. So if any of those things really resonate for you and you wanna take it another step further with me, please book a curiosity call.
[00:29:27] And let's have a conversation about how working together might help you. I hope that you have a wonderful day, noticing what you're noticing, savoring what you're savoring, and always being on your side.